The Chatsite
by Secret Agent G
Summary: A chance encounter on a chat site leads to ultimate hilarity and randomness. No yaoi or slash, just saying.
1. The First Chat

AgentP has entered the chat room.

Strudelcutie4427 has entered the chat room.

Strudelcutie4427: Perry the Platypus, is this your account?

AgentP:…

Strudelcutie4427: HA! I'd know that silence anywhere. It is you, isn't it?

AgentP:…so what if it is? What are you going to do, put a virus on my computer?

Strudelcutie4427: Good guess. I haven't finished my Virus-Inator yet.

AgentP: *rolls eyes*

Strudelcutie4427: So whatcha doin?

AgentP: Just browsing dossiers…reading mission logs…you know.

Strudelcutie4427: You're on the internet reading fan fiction, aren't you?

AgentP: NO. …What gave you that idea?

Strudelcutie4427: I hijacked your video camera and I can see everything you're doing right now.

AgentP: WHAT?

Strudelcutie4427: Yep…that's exactly how I guessed.

AgentP: But…wait. I don't _have _a video camera.

Strudelcutie4427: Uh, that's 'cause I hijacked it as in…uh, modified it! And it, um…ran away.

AgentP: You're using that voice recognition software, aren't you?

Strudelcutie4427: What? No, no, no…what gave you that idea?

AgentP: Nobody puts 'uh' in their messages unless they want to bust themselves. And I never had a video camera in the first place.

Strudelcutie4427: Got me there. But I'm still right about the fan fiction thing, aren't I?

AgentP: …Yeah, you are. But we never speak of this in front of anyone else.

Strudelcutie4427: I can agree to that. So what're you reading?

AgentP: I'm gonna kill myself later for this.

…Tragedy stuff.

Strudelcutie4427: Really? You don't strike me as the melodramatic type.

AgentP: Maybe that's because I don't speak.

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, yeah…heeeyyy!

You can type?

AgentP: Duh…haven't you ever seen me type before?

Strudelcutie4427: Well, don't get all snappy with me, Mr. Duckbill Face.

AgentP: : (

Strudelcutie4427: You even know how to use those face things!

AgentP: You don't?

Strudelcutie4427: How is it that I can go my whole life not learning this, and a platypus can pick it up faster than me?

AgentP: I live full-time with a teenager…it comes naturally after that.

Strudelcutie4427: What?…Oh, curse you, Perry the Platypus.

AgentP: J

Strudelcutie4427: Where'd you get a teenager to live with, anyway?

AgentP: That's classified.

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, come on. You can tell me.

AgentP: You're my nemesis.

Strudelcutie4427: Exactly! I tell YOU everything…

AgentP: What do you want me to do, tell you my whole tragic life story?

Strudelcutie4427: You have a 'whole tragic life story'?

AgentP: No, of course not.

Strudelcutie4427: Aw, come on. Not even a little tragedy?

AgentP: Nope.

Strudelcutie4427: That doesn't make sense. Everybody has something bad happen to them at some point in their lives…

AgentP: Yeah, I like to think of that part as a little thing called 'you'.

Strudelcutie4427: Hey!

…Wait. Is that a way of telling me that you DO think I'm evil?

AgentP: You can take that any way you like. As for the tragic life story…

That can wait for another day.

Strudelcutie4427: Wait. You DO have one?

AgentP has left the chat room.

Strudelcutie4427: Wait, don't leave yet! What tragic life story? What do you mean, that can wait for another day?

…

You're not going to tell me anything, are you?

…Some nemesis you are.

Strudelcutie4427 has left the chat room.


	2. The Second Meeting

Strudelcutie4427 has entered the chat room.

AgentP has entered the chat room.

Strudelcutie4427: Ah, Perry the Platypus. We meet again…

AgentP: Oh, save it for the next time I blow you up.

Strudelcutie4427: : (

AgentP: You learned how to do the face things?

Strudelcutie4427: Obviously! (is pleased)

AgentP: Meh, I bet you still don't know what emoticons are.

Strudelcutie4427: What?

AgentP: XD

That

Strudelcutie4427: Seriously, what?

AgentP: That thing. The 'XD'

Strudelcutie4427: What about it?

Wait, you mean the channel? The one I tried to change to say 'XDOOF'?

AgentP: *sigh*

You'll find out eventually…

DrCoconut has entered the chat room.

DrCoconut: Hey, Agent P, Major Monogram wants to talk to you.

AgentP: What about?

DrCoconut: Doofenshmirtz, he's up to something.

Strudelcutie4427: No I'm not, I'm right here!

DrCoconut: What?

…YOU'RE Dr. Doofenshmirtz?

Strudelcutie4427: Duh.

AgentP: I hate to agree with my nemesis…

But that definitely warranted a 'duh'.

DrCoconut: Oh, no, I've got to warn the Major before he remembers his password!

MajorMonogram has entered the chat room.

MajorMonogram: Good to see you, Agent P.

And you too, Carl.

You know, I've always wondered why you picked that name.

DrCoconut: Not important, sir…

MajorMonogram: Quiet, Carl, or I'll cut you out of the chat.

DrCoconut: o.O

MajorMonogram: So, Agent P. Your mission today is to stop the evil Doctor Doofenshmirtz from doing whatever he's doing.

Strudelcutie4427: I'm not doing anything!

MajorMonogram: Do you want me to disconnect your computer, Carl?

DrCoconut: No, sir, that wasn't me.

MajorMonogram: Oh. You're not Carl.

Wait, Doofenshmirtz?

AgentP: I call the first duh.

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, curse you, Perry the Platypus.

MajorMonogram: Did you say you're not doing anything?

Strudelcutie4427: I call the second duh!

AgentP: Well, I've got dibs on third. If there is a third.

Strudelcutie4427: There will be.

MajorMonogram: So you're not doing anything evil at all?

Strudelcutie4427: No, I'm building a chat room eliminate-Inator to blast all you guys out of oblivion. XD

AgentP: :)

DrCoconut: o.O

MajorMonogram: Carl, that's not even a word.

Strudelcutie4427: No, it's an emoticon

AgentP: You learned! :D

I'm so proud of you. ^_^

Strudelcutie4427: Yeah, I got out the slang dictionary (for translating whatever Vanessa says)

AgentP: Useful! Where do they sell such a thing?

Strudelcutie4427: I don't know, Norm found it

theenemyoftheplatypus has entered the chat room.

theenemyoftheplatypus: Hello, children!

MajorMonogram: This is just ridiculous!

MajorMonogram has left the chat room.

DrCoconut: I agree, see you later Agent P!

DrCoconut has left the chat room.

AgentP: Nice username, Norm.

Strudelcutie4427: I picked it out for him!

theenemyoftheplatypus: The enemy of the platypus is man!

AgentP: Hey, if the enemy of the platypus is man, why didn't you eliminate me years ago?

Strudelcutie4427: Uhhhhh…

…

Bad luck?

AgentP: Nope, must be me. :D

Strudelcutie4427: Don't let it get to your head or anything!

AgentP: Too late!

theenemyoftheplatypus: Well, I've got to go. Sheila's waiting!

AgentP: Who's Sheila?

Strudelcutie4427: His icicle popstick bride.

I still can't believe you named it that!

AgentP: Surely you can't be serious. :)

Strudelcutie4427: Bad joke, Perry the Platypus.

AgentP: It's not funny if you don't finish it.

Strudelcutie4427:…!

Oh, all right.

Don't call me Shirley.

AgentP: *awesome face*

theenemyoftheplatypus has left the chat room.

AgentP: Well, this has been…

Weird.

But I've got to be going.

Strudelcutie4427: Wait, I've got this feeling there's something I wanted to ask you about and now I can't remember what it is.

AgentP: Good. That means I can leave.

Strudelcutie4427: Noooo!

AgentP: I'm leaving now…

Strudelcutie4427: No, no, it's on the tip of my tongue. Hold on…almost got it…

AgentP: I hope this doesn't become a tragic back story later…

Because I'm so out of here.

Strudelcutie4427: I'VE GOT IT!

I was gonna ask you about your tragic back story!

AgentP has left the chat room.

Strudelcutie4427:…

Oh, COME ON!

Strudelcutie4427 has left the chat room.


	3. The Backstory

AgentP has entered the chat room.

Strudelcutie4427 has entered the chat room.

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, there you are, Perry the Platypus!

AgentP: You say that like you couldn't find me or something.

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, that. I updated the internet because it told me to, and now I can't figure anything out.

AgentP: You do know they have video tutorials, don't you?

Strudelcutie4427: I couldn't get that to work, either!

But now I'm off topic. I was going to ask you about something.

AgentP: If it has anything to do with my job, my personal life, or any information which could possibly get me destroyed at the hands of one of your ridiculous schemes, then I'm officially mute again.

Strudelcutie4427: No, no, it's not like that.

I just wanted to ask you about your tragic back story.

AgentP: -.-

I think that could be classified as personal information.

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, come on! I've told you every back story from my past!

AgentP: Even when they bored me to tears.

Strudelcutie4427: Well, you can bore _me _to tears.

AgentP: That's only because you're actually interested. And you can forget about me telling you _anything._

Strudelcutie4427: Please?

AgentP: No.

Strudelcutie4427: Pretty please?

AgentP: N-O no.

Strudelcutie4427: Pretty please with sugar on top?

AgentP: You are so childish.

…and I still say no.

Strudelcutie4427: I hate you, Perry the Platypus. _

AgentP: Yes, yes, I hate you too. Now go away.

MajorMonogram has entered the chat room.

MajorMonogram: Good morning, Agent P.

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, for crying out loud. It's the middle of the day!

MajorMonogram: Go away, Doofenshmirtz. I'm trying to talk to Agent P.

Strudelcutie4427: Everybody tells me to go away! What's with that?

…And why don't you just call him?

MajorMonogram: Tech issues.

AgentP: AKA, Carl lost his phone.

MajorMonogram: !

Strudelcutie4427: LOL

MajorMonogram: In my defense, it was Carl's fault.

Strudelcutie4427: Suuuure… XD

AgentP: ROTFL

Strudelcutie4427: Wait, what is that? What does that mean?

AgentP: It's an acronym.

Strudelcutie4427: I thought your organization didn't have cool acronyms.

MajorMonogram: Can we get back on topic here? You guys are stuck on a huge tangent.

AgentP: He has a point.

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, sure. Let's all gang up on the evil scientist. : (

I'm just going to go get some snacks or something.

MajorMonogram: ANYWAY, Carl and I thought it was about time to update your personal files, Agent P.

AgentP: Uh, sir. Now might not be the best time…

MajorMonogram: Well, actually, I should be specific. Carl lost the papers about your parents, and neither of us can remember what kind of information it had about them.

AgentP: Sir, why don't I just go down to the lair?

MajorMonogram: Because, I need your input. Now, I know they were agents too, but Carl can't find their papers either.

So what was it that happened to them again?

AgentP: Now really isn't a good time, sir.

MajorMonogram: Wasn't one of them missing in action?

AgentP: Would you listen to me? That's why I use this program, you know.

MajorMonogram: Yes, missing in action…and then the other one just vanished.

AgentP: Sir, it's true that they're both missing.

But isn't that enough for right now?

What if Doofenshmirtz comes back?

Strudelcutie4427: Okay, I'm back! What did I miss?

MajorMonogram: Oh, I was just talking to Agent P about his parents.

AgentP: Sir, please! He'll see all the previous information!

MajorMonogram: He can do that?

Strudelcutie4427: I can do that?

MajorMonogram: Oh, it's this blasted internet. I got it updated and now I can't figure anything out.

Strudelcutie4427: Don't you just hate that?

AgentP: Don't you dare go looking at that information, Doof!

Strudelcutie4427: I'll do what I like!

Wait, did you just call me 'Doof'?

AgentP: Would you like me to call you something else? Doofy, perhaps?

Strudelcutie4427: Where did THAT come from?

AgentP: Just about a million places on the internet. : )

MajorMonogram: On a tangent again…

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, right. Back to sneaking a peek at all your information! And there's nothing you can do to stop me!

HAHAHAHAHA!

AgentP: That was supposed to be a distraction!

MajorMonogram: Oh. Whoops.

Strudelcutie4427: Ooh, there's stuff about your parents in here? And they were agents too? Great, now I've got _three _platypuses to worry about!

…Wait, missing in action?

For some reason, you don't strike me as the kind of guy who'd have issues with his parents.

AgentP: You can't exactly have issues when you've never met them!

!

MajorMonogram: Uh, Agent P? I think he can see that, too.

AgentP: Agh! Why did I type that in?

Strudelcutie4427: You never met them? Ever?

Well, how is that possible? It's crazy enough that _my_ parents didn't show up when I was born…I didn't think anybody else would have issues like that.

AgentP: I'm a semi-aquatic _egg laying _mammal of action, remember?

Platypuses lay _eggs._

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

But still, that's kind of shocking.

MajorMonogram: You should see Carl's face right now. He's reading over my shoulder.

Oh, Carl. I think he's crying.

AgentP: Carl! This is embarrassing enough! DX

MajorMonogram: You have a good point, Agent P. I'll have Carl set up your lair with some sort of private messaging system, and we'll talk there.

Sorry about all this.

MajorMonogram has left the chat room.

AgentP: Well, you can go ahead and laugh at me now. Or taunt me about something or other. Or say that now that you know that, you can finally destroy me in some obscure way.

Strudelcutie4427: Well, normally I would…

But I still haven't heard your tragic back story. Not all of it, anyway.

AgentP: *stressed sigh*

Fine. If you want to hear it, then fine.

To put it simply, my parents were secret agents, too. Apparently, my dad went out on a mission while my mom was at home watching me once. Like I said, they disappeared before I hatched, so I don't know exactly what happened, but somehow she went missing. I don't know why my egg wasn't lost too.

Strudelcutie4427: …harsh…

AgentP: And from what I gathered from the other agents who remember him, Dad took it really hard. He…well, he just vanished. No one knows where he went.

…And I've never heard from him since.

Studelcutie4427: o.O

AgentP: Well, you can laugh now. Go ahead. I don't even care.

Strudelcutie4427: …

Um…ha ha.

Lol.

AgentP: You don't sound very enthusiastic…

Strudelcutie4427: Uh…text can be misleading.

AgentP: Don't tell me you're actually sympathetic.

And are you still using that voice recognition software?

Strudelcutie4427: Yeah, why?

AgentP: I knew it, you are sympathetic!

But you can't feel sorry for me. I'm your nemesis, and you're the bad guy.

Strudelcutie4427: That's what I keep telling myself!

…I mean, nothing.

AgentP: See, this is why I didn't tell you. Now things are all awkward.

…This is why I stay silent.

Strudelcutie4427: As opposed to talking?

AgentP: Of course not. Not unless you speak platypus.

Strudelcutie4427: That's what I should create; something that lets me translate whatever you say.

AgentP: I'd only criticize you, you know.

Strudelcutie4427: Yeah, I guess. X)

AgentP: XD

Strudelcutie4427: Well. This has actually been pretty…fun.

AgentP: …

Just between us two, I guess it has.

Except for the tragic back story.

Strudelcutie4427: I'll just try to forget about it.

AgentP: That's got to be the most out of character thing you've ever said to me.

Strudelcutie4427: Meh, it's been a long day. :)

A very long, confusing day.

AgentP: Yeah.

…This is gonna sound weird, but…

You wanna do this again sometime?

Strudelcutie4427: …Ah, why not?

But nobody tells Monogram.

AgentP: Or Carl.

Strudelcutie4427: Or Vanessa.

AgentP: Or anybody.

Strudelcutie4427: Yeah. XD

AgentP: So…got any evil plans coming up?

Strudelcutie4427: Oh, you're going to love this one.

Just wait and see. : )

AgentP: What, you won't tell me?

Strudelcutie4427: You've got your secrets and I've got mine.

Temporarily, anyway. XD

AgentP: LOL

Tomorrow, you're so going down.

Studelcutie4427: We'll just see about that!

HAHAHAHAHA!

AgentP: Bring it on! : )

Strudelcutie4427 has left the chat room.

AgentP: And…

Thanks for caring.

AgentP has left the chat room.


	4. Internet Dating

**Author's note: **As a response to whatever people may think about 'bondgirl16', I have several things to say: One, she is not necessarily Perry's girlfriend (being half in love with him myself, I'm a little reluctant to admit it). After all, the creators themselves have stated that he won't get a love interest in the course of the show.  
>Secondly, bondgirl16 IS NOT ME. I would just like to make it very clear that however much I like Perry, this character is not supposed to be me in any way, shape, or form. Thanks to all those who actually listen to this, and enjoy the story!<p>

* * *

><p>AgentP has entered the chat room.<p>

Strudelcutie4427 has entered the chat room.

AgentP: Hey, Doof.

Strudelcutie4427: Again with the nickname! Are you going to keep calling me that?

AgentP: Why, does it annoy you?

Strudelcutie4427: Yeah, it's weird to hear you call me by my nickname.

AgentP: Then yes, I'm going to keep calling you that. : )

Strudelcutie4427: And you call yourself a good guy! XD

AgentP: So, what have you been up to?

Strudelcutie4427: What, like what have I been scheming lately? Well, why would I tell you? You'd just blow it up early.

AgentP: Whoops, wrong choice of words.

And I have more respect than that!

Strudelcutie4427: Oh.

Well, I'm not really doing anything much...except for scheming, which we will not go into for the sake of not blowing things up.

Oh, but last night, I went on a date.

AgentP: Oh, really? How'd it go?

No, wait, let me guess.

It went badly, didn't it?

Strudelcutie4427: You have no faith!

But yeah, it went badly.

AgentP: How so?

Strudelcutie4427: Well, nothing _too _bad

AgentP: Come on, what did she do?

Strudelcutie4427: ...she dumped a plate of spaghetti on me.

AgentP: .

Ignoring the fact that that would be incredibly hard to do without the spaghetti sliding off the plate first...

...ouch.

Strudelcutie4427: You see? I think Cupid must hate me.

AgentP: Maybe you just have bad luck.

Strudelcutie4427: Bad luck? My building gets blown up every day by a platypus, every plan I've ever tried has failed, I've never once had a successful go at romance without it ending in failure, and the only person I can vent about it to is my worst enemy.

That's got to be some seriously bad luck.

AgentP: Well...

I can't argue with logic like that.

Strudelcutie4427: Whatever. I'm used to it.

Y'know, I think most of the bad luck is directed at dating. I just can't get a successful date these days.

Not that I could back when I was younger, either...(sigh)

AgentP: It can't really be that hard...

Strudelcutie4427: You wouldn't know, you're a platypus!

AgentP: And?

Strudelcutie4427: Well, they don't date.

...do they?

AgentP: Um...

I actually don't know.

Strudelcutie4427: What do you mean? You ARE a platypus. How could you not know whether they date?

AgentP: Well, most platypuses are not as intelligent as me. So I don't know how they think or what they do. Mostly, I think they just eat, sleep, and...you know, do whatever they do.

But dating? I got nothing.

Strudelcutie4427: Well, what about you? Have you ever gone on a date?

AgentP: Wouldn't you like to know. ;)

Strudelcutie4427: What? You won't tell me?

This is going to be just like the time I lost my keys, isn't it?

AgentP: Yup. You'll never get it out of me.

XD

Strudelcutie4427: Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

AgentP: Whoops, someone's coming. I've got to go.

Ill be back in a minute, ok?

Strudelcutie4427: Ok, I guess.

AgentP is idle.

bondgirl16 has entered the chat room.

bondgirl16: Perry, is that you?

I mean...Agent P?

Strudelcutie4427: Um, Perry isn't here right now...

bondgirl16: He isn't?

Strudelcutie4427: No, he said someone was coming and he left.

bondgirl16: Oh. Can you tell him to call me when he gets back?

Strudelcutie4427: ...sure...

bondgirl16: Ok, thanks. ;)

bondgirl16 has left the chat room.

AgentP: Okay, I'm back.

Did anything happen while I was away?

Strudelcutie4427: Um...nope.

By the way, do you know anyone called bondgirl16?

AgentP: Um...nope.

Gotta go!

AgentP has left the chat room.

Strudelcutie4427: Hey, wait! You come back here!

This doesn't end here! :o

Well, technically it does, because I have to log out and...

*sigh* I've gotta stop talking to myself.

Strudelcutie4427 has left the chat room.


	5. Letter from the author

**The following is a letter from Secret Agent G, not an actual chapter. (Sorry. T^T)**

Dear fan fiction community,

Due to having to write my other ongoing fan fiction, Time and Time Again, I have no option but to put The Chatsite on temporary hiatus. Allow me to apologize to everyone who likes the story and asked for more. I couldn't be writing the fifth chapter anyway, because I'm always busy writing TTA. So the real point of this letter is to announce that until Time and Time is finished, I won't be able to write for The Chatsite.

My sincere apologies,

Secret Agent G


End file.
